MY EXPERIENCE SHOWS ME THAT 90% OF MEN THAT SUFFER FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION HAVE A LOT OF NEGATIVE SELF TALK GOING ON IN THEIR HEADS REGARDING THEIR SEXUALITY, THEIR SELF CONFIDENCE, AND REGARDING WOMEN.
My first step towards curing premature ejaculation came from clearing out my own emotions about sexuality! Until then I had accumulated a lot of knowledge about sexuality but it was not helping me because I had emotional blockages, both in my relationship with myself and how I saw women. The moment I cleared these emotions everything started falling into place allowing me to use the other techniques I had learned optimally.
Based on my own experience and from my experience in guiding other men I have found that the most common emotional blockages surrounding sexuality are as follows:
Premature Ejaculation and IgnoranceIgnorance can be seen as a kind of emotion because you can “willfully” keep yourself in a state of ignorance due to whole blend of deeper underlying reasons including laziness or being comfortable in status quo.
Most men have no idea what sexuality is and how it ties into your body and mind. Sexuality is seen as a kind of way of letting go of steam.
In my own case many years passed where I had a problem with premature ejaculation but didn’t even see it as a problem. There was a kind of “that’s how I am, this is normal” kind of thought pattern. I did not know anything about sexuality, how it affected my moods and inner states and I did not care much either. Ejaculation for me was a way of letting of steam every second or third day and if I did not perform well in bed, well that was just too bad. I saw no correlation between the fact that I was not performing well in bed with my deteriorating relationship to the girlfriend I had at the time and my own moodiness and lack of clarity in life in general.
Premature Ejaculation and Non-CommunicationMany men are very bad at communicating about their problem. This was definitely the case for me. The ignorance about the problem coupled with the fact that sexuality is a sensitive thing made me repress the issues, in the sense that whenever my girlfriend brought it up I would give her a blank stare and evade the subject directing the conversation into other topics. If she got too insistent I would just snap back that this was how I was and that there was nothing I could do about it. Lack of communication signals to a woman that you don’t appreciate her and you don’t love her. A woman is more concerned with you communicating with her than the fact that you have a problem, but at the time I was not able to communicate about it. I did not have a sufficient level of maturity or courage or knowledge to deal with the problem and to face it head on.
I can tell you the following: If you suffer from premature ejaculation and you feel bad about it discuss it with your girlfriend if you have one. Tell her that you are working on it and that you need her support with this. She’ll be so happy that:
1) You want to satisfy her and want to make her happy.
2) You show masculinity by dealing with a problem. Wussy men complain about their problems without doing anything.
Masculine men realize that there is a problem and then they do anything they can to fix it.
Premature Ejaculation and GuiltGuilt is a huge factor among many men and is related to non-communication. Many men simply are not comfortable with sexuality and refuse to speak about the issues. You should come to terms with whether you feel guilty about your sexuality. In this case it could be valuable to go back in your past and find out what the feelings were about sexuality in your childhood home. I tell you this: Work with the guilt and get it into the light. A fulfilling sexual life is your birth right as a man. To be able to fully satisfy a woman is a great thing, in fact it´s your duty as a man. Sexual energy is your life energy. By embracing your sexuality you embrace life. You will be a happier you, you will have a happier and more compliant woman, you will do the things you do better and with more passion – and simply spread more joy into the world. By solving your PE and getting a fulfilling sexual life you not only become happier yourself, you simply serve the world better.
Isolation and pornographyMany men who suffer from premature ejaculation and who cannot communicate about the problem end up surfing Internet pornography as a way of dealing with their frustration.
There exists a natural explanation: The need for a substance called dopamine, especially in the brains of men. Men need something, which excites them and creates variance in their lives. If they can’t get their sexuality to work out properly pornography, fatty salty foods (junk food) and video games become some of the pass times that men can indulge in, but as with anything else a pass time can quickly become an addiction if you don’t balance your dopamine levels with more healthy less reclusive behavior patterns.
Again it´s important you wrap your head around this concept.
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! Your wiring is against you. Your brain craves dopamine. Instead of hitting yourself over the head with negative selftalk about you being a bad person because you have this and this bad habit, study how addicition works and in this study you’ll be helping yourself out of it. Knowledge is power. Knowledge brings awareness and raises your level of consciousness.
Premature Ejaculation and Seeing That You Have The ProblemAfter my girlfriend broke up with me I spent a lot of time with one night stands going to bed with different women. Now that I was suddenly meeting new women and taking them home with me, my problem suddenly became very apparent!
When you are with a stable girlfriend it can become easy to ignore the problem because the subconscious mind has a tendency to become lazy. “She knows that I have a problem, that’s the way it is, I can’t do anything about it, she’s gotta accept it”
Premature Ejaculation, Nervosity and anxietyMy bad performance in bed was making me nervous and jittery. I would be completely out of touch with myself when I finally would start making love with a woman. First of all this nervosity led to weak erections and a feeling of being out of touch with my penis. This is a terrible state to be in as the slightest touch on a ”jittery weak erection penis” can cause premature ejaculation. Once you get into this state it can be quite tough to get out of it. It is almost a kind of vicious circle. The only way I could get a strong erection was if I could somehow get my flaccid penis up in the vagina and start thrusting and feeling my partner respond to it with pleasure. This would give me the necessary self-confidence to get the erection hard again and thereby get over the “jittery weak erection” state.
It’s a funny thing that being afraid to ejaculate too early is one of the things that will make you ejaculate really fast!
Premature Ejaculation, Self-confidence and masculinityIf I was lucky enough and got through the “jittery weak erection” phase without ejaculating things got easier for perhaps 5 to 10 minutes but then a little lack of awareness (often caused by “sexual greed”) would send me over the top.
In this period I was having a lot of masculinity issues. A lot of men before they center into a stable state of masculinity are caught up in an unhealthy mindset. They feel weak, lack self-confidence and have very low self-esteem. To counter for this they often act aggressively in situations where they don’t need to and try to play tough and macho. The problem is that if you have not found your center of masculinity you will forever be trapped in a kind of neurotic game where you either are weak and whimpering or aggressive and macho.
In my case masculinity issues made me oversensitive to how other men perceived me and treated me. I was very easily provoked, by any man, or woman, who implied that I was weak.
This pattern also manifested itself in bed. I would be an all gung ho masculine male attracting women around me and taking them to bed. And once in bed I would become nervous and jittery and my erections would be weak. Whenever I had ejaculated too fast, I would try all kinds of things so the woman could not see I had ejaculated. I would also try all kinds of evasive maneuvers so the woman could not see how anxious I was.
Too many of these kind of experiences lower your self confidence with regards to sexuality and keep you in the perpetual pendulum state I mentioned above, where you swing between states of overaggressive defensive macho masculinity to states where you feel weak and helpless. If you recognize these patterns within yourself reading step 6 about masculinity will do wonders for you.
Premature Ejaculation, Stress and TensionA growing problem I often faced was a continual stress and tension. Certain typologies of men have a lot of testosterone and sexual drive, and I am one of them. If the energy is not channeled you can often feel very restless. It is like to trying to put a lid on a pressure cooker. This stress and tension often builds up if you have stressful fulltime jobs or other projects that engulf you. In periods where I was very stressed I had very bad ejaculatory control. The moment I started making love I would literally blow up.
I was very intent though on being able to live life without stress so I tried out all sorts of methods and techniques to calm my mind and body. Stress leads to shallow fast breathing and a faster heart rate. It can also lead to tensions in certain parts of the body including the feet, legs and back. In this period I found out that if I received a lot of massage, performed full body relaxation techniques and did breathing exercises that the problems with stress would disappear and alongside that the problems of premature ejaculation.
Premature Ejaculation and Lack of loveAnother major cause of premature ejaculation is a feeling of lacking love. In periods where I was depressed, I was simply not present in the lovemaking. It was as if I was disengaged with the woman I was making love with and premature ejaculation would often be the side effect of that lack of love. The ability to feel love is very much tied in with masculinity. As we start to find our true masculine core, our heart starts to radiate and we begin to love others instead of expecting to be loved. This shift of consciousness is very important in the quest to lasting longer.
Premature Ejaculation and Lack of feeling of growth – boredomPremature Ejaculation issues also often come to men who feel stuck in their lives. If there is no growth, no enthusiasm, no feeling of achieving your life goals, the sexual energy does not rise and it will start to stagnate. There will be a tendency for carelessness in ones approach to sexuality.
Letting Go After I met the girlfriend who I am with today and who introduced me to Tantra I made a 3-week long meditation retreat where I solved many of these emotional issues.
This meditation retreat had a miraculous influence on me that made everything fall into place.
Today my lovemaking is completely different. The foreplay is long, the touching soft and caressing, I have my awareness on the woman instead of myself and the lovemaking can last for hours. Lovemaking is absolutely blissful and for me in my life now is a tool for spiritual development.
Performing this meditation retreat solved a lot of my inner turmoil. These kinds of retreats are essential in your personal growth. It lies in the essence of men to sometimes pull back from the world to reassess their lives and to regain contact with their essence. In TantraCURE I also address many issues of masculinity and how you can get more in touch with your masculine essence.
Today I conduct courses and seminars for men teaching them how they can unblock the things inside that are preventing them from lasting long in bed, while giving them the tools to fulfill themselves and their girlfriends.
As you can see, my issues with premature ejaculation very much tie in with the process of my own self-development. From ignorance to non communication, to anxiety and masculinity issues, to lack of body awareness and to lack of knowledge about how I was using sexuality in general. From my experience with guiding other men I see that these processes I have described are not unique to me and I am sure many of you can recognize many of these patterns within yourself.